The last two weeks were hard...I mean really difficult for me. We all have hard weeks and we can all relate no matter the specifics and I didn't have anything major to be upset about...no family members in the hospital, no emergencies...just inner turmoil, sick kids, exhaustion, very little family time, hormones and the physical pain that I have become so familiar with over the years which still sneaks up on me at least once a month or so...yet life doesn't slow down so I have to keep going.
So, on Monday morning I opened up our iTunes to find the next scripture memory verse for the week and as soon as I heard it I started crying. I mean really crying, like that deep "this is the song I need to hear, the scripture I need to memorize right now, but it hurts so much, it is so bitter sweet because although I know it is true, I can't feel it in my bones right now" kind of cry...really a sob of exhaustion. I know, I know, it sounds really dramatic. It only lasted a short while and any woman with a pulse can surely relate. I am not proud of moments like this, nor are they common for me, but I do have them. I am human and until I reach heaven I am sure I will have more.
I was sobbing and praying and singing it over and over, crying out to the Lord to make it real to me for me to feel Him sustaining me.
{Of course He was already sustaining me. I was sitting at the table, able to do school with the kids, right, instead of in my bed with the covers pulled up over my head like I could have been if He weren't ever-present.}
I just wanted to FEEL the peace that should have accompanied the scripture. As I was belting out the words with all my heart, through blurry eyes, I could see that the kids were wondering why Momma had tears streaming down her face while she was singing such a hopeful song. Then, it popped into my facebook messages with a "bloop." I heard the message come in because I was on my computer listening to the song already, and I checked it. Right at that moment. An answer to my prayer. Tangible evidence that He was with me at that moment and He wanted to reassure me through someone I hadn't spoken to in months, maybe even a few years. A mother of some of the girls we worked with when James was a Family Pastor way back in the Kansas days.
And He even used facebook to do it. I have been contemplating disabling my facebook account for months.These are the times that make me feel like facebook might be worth it.
In the Old Testament, they used to set up a pillar or monument to remind them of the place where God had spoken to them or done a mighty work. My sharing this with my family on my blog is my way of setting up a pillar. I want to remember how He spoke to me and who He spoke through, and never forget that He cares and is always faithful to provide just what we need, even if it is just to let us know that He is involved even in the most intimate thoughts and moments, not just the big events of life.
Here is the song first and afterward, the messages that we exchanged.
Facebook message from a friend:
Good Morning Jeanna! I just wanted to let you know how much I truly appreciate your posts! I LOVE all the christian family videos and your insight. So many of them I've shared with other young mommy's and I'm developing a 5:00pm Sunday night children's ministry program using fun videos like the one you posted this morning. You are making a difference in the life of my church and making it easier for me...THANK YOU so much and keep them coming!! This week we are starting a Parent's Playgroup...so excited to share ideas with them too! You are the light of Christ! I think God is smiling down on you! Have a wonderful Monday!
My response message:
As I type this I have been crying through that song over and over because I am in so much physical pain and it effects everything...as you know with your back problems (how is your back btw?) I feel like such a horrible mom today. i couldn't sleep last night b/c of pain. it happens at least once a month and for those few days i am grouchy and short and hard to be around. (and i homeschool) i feel like everything i try to do as a mom is undone on these days. i teach my kids one thing and i can't even practice what i preach when i am hurting. You have no idea what this message meant to me. I was crying and praying through that song and asking God to keep His promise, "to sustain me and never let me fall." I had even just texted James to pray for me and to pray that Psalm because I feel like I am going under deep waters today. THEN, Up popped your message. YOU are the light. thank you so much! check out http://www.seedsfamilyworship.net/ for some great resources for what you are doing. They are blessed to have you!!!
Her message back to me:
Ok, now I am crying! When I feel like I'm being that "horrible mom" I try to remember it's because I'm under attack. You are doing God's work and therefore life is harder, pain seems greater and you feel like you are failing. I LOVE how God put you on my heart this morning! God provides! You are an amazing mom and you are providing me with resources to help and encourage other moms that sometimes feel like that horrible mommy. You are doing more of God's work than you even realize Jeanna! You are really ticking the enemy off! I LOVE THAT!!! I'm so proud of you!!!!! I will pray for healing and comfort...my back is great now, but I remember those days of loneliness and frustration. I just wanted to feel good. To provide for my family and be "normal'. HUGS sister, you are not alone!!!
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
{I love how we have the power and privilege to answer God's call to encourage one another. We have so much more in common with each other regardless of our life circumstances than we think and so many opportunities to show others that they are not alone and that we have been there too.
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
She had no idea what I was going through that morning, yet she shot me a quick little message that changed the direction of my whole day...maybe my whole week. Plus, not only did I feel loved by her, but by the Creator of the universe who chose to speak through her right to my heart.}
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21
She had no idea what I was going through that morning, yet she shot me a quick little message that changed the direction of my whole day...maybe my whole week. Plus, not only did I feel loved by her, but by the Creator of the universe who chose to speak through her right to my heart.}
So grateful...
