I sighed and said, "I am just so tired..." She said, "Please, mom, just a quick one?" Then I looked down and she had the special foot massage lotion I use on the kids feet sitting there ready for me. I may have even rolled my eyes at the thought of doing even one more thing for another human being today. I'm pretty sure I did. Then, I agreed to do it, but only for the length of time it took me to sing her song to her.
Each of the kids have their own special "tuck in song" and if I am the one tucking in, after reading to them, I move from bed to bed singing each kiddo's song while they all usually sing along, and I rub the hair out of their beautiful angel faces. About half the time I do this, I take my time, sing their songs all the way through 2 or 3 times each and enjoy this ritual. The other half, I rush through it, and I can always see in their eyes that they know I am not delighting in them...that my nightly chores or something else is pulling me away from them. They do not have my full attention or affection.
I saw it in Shelby's eyes tonight that she knew I wasn't delighting in rubbing her feet. Those precious almost 9 year old feet that I remember staring at, nibbling on and tickling when she was a baby, were just getting a token foot rub this time. Those toes that I was told I'd never get to nibble on because I would never have children of my own were actually in my hands and all I could think about was getting outta there, getting showered and falling into bed. Admitting that makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide my face from the world that no one would have to look upon me with the disgust I deserve.
Why? Why wasn't my first reaction, "Yes, I'd love to, baby." Why isn't my first reaction love. I know how it feels when love is my first reaction and I am blessed to know the feeling of truly delighting in my children...So, when I do choose selfishness I feel and know full well what I am missing out on. Yet, I still do choose myself sometimes. Too many times. I despise those times like this one when I feel irritation at the things I should delight in. It makes me feel rotten...selfish...unloving and unlovable. Without Him I am. And busyness edges Him out if I am not careful. That is why self-discipline, rest and lots of time in the Word and in prayer are not only helpful, but essential...vital for me. Vital. Without Him, my heart beats only for myself...
