As I type this I am mentally and emotionally preparing to support my husband through the next few days when we will travel to McPherson, KS to bury his Daddy. He spent most of last week making arrangements for the funeral and cleaning his father's apartment out along side his big sister. He hasn't seen his father's body yet. That will come Wednesday, when reality will really set in. But, he is certain that his Daddy is with the Lord and that has brought him so much comfort.
I remember when my Grandparents died, one after another, just a week apart, how the first week was spent on the "doing." So many arrangements to be made and tasks to be accomplished, especially when your loved one does not leave a will and has not expressed their wishes to you for their final resting place. The family really doesn't have time to grieve until after the funeral. Reality of the situation doesn't set in until you have time to sit down and think about it. I remember watching my Mom grieve the loss of her Mom. Even though she was sure she was in heaven, there were so many unresolved feelings, conversations, and 'mother-daughter needs' she would have loved to have seen met before her Momma passed, and for those, she grieved. For time lost, regrets, and "what might have beens," there were tears, aches, questions that would never be answered, and there was a hole in her heart. Losing a parent is hard in so many ways she has told me, because not only do you miss the relationship and joy the person brought to your life, but one day it hits you that you are it...even though you feel so small, so young {in your heart} and you still need your Momma, you are it...the oldest of your gender in the family and responsible for all that the oldest is in charge of...holiday dinners, gathering the family together, comforting everyone, being there for everyone if there is need, the weight of the family seemingly on your shoulders. She hadn't expected this feeling and it was a shock. Over the years, she has settled into her new role nicely, but she still misses her Momma and the dimension she would have added to our growing family, seeing the joy on her face as each new great-grandchild was born and allowing us to care for her in her old age.
Because I also lost my Grandma, who was like a second Mom to me, and my Grandpa who loved me like a Father does, I feel so much of what my Mom feels and I understand the complexity of grieving. I miss my Grandma & Grandpa to this day. I keep some lotion in my closet that I take out and smell every once in an while just to remember her. I used to rub her hands and feet with that lotion when she was in a coma, at the end, as I sang to her Vince Gill's Look at Us {She and my Grandpa's song}. When I smell that smell, I close my eyes and I can feel her hands. I rejoice that she is in heaven, but I selfishly want her back here with me to squeeze my kiddos, threaten them with the fly swatter, grouch and me and my Grandpa in her cantankerous sassy way and make me a snack plate or hot chocolate pudding when I am sick, AND I want to give her back a little of what she gave me. But, she has so much more now, more than I can ever imagine, and so does James' Daddy.
I know my husband will miss him and I want to have the right words to say to be a comfort to him. I am praying for that... Men grieve in a different way, I am told. It might look more like stress or irritability than sadness. He might be a little more quiet than usual or he might busy himself. Whatever he does, I want to support him and I pray that I don't misunderstand his moods, but rather embrace him or give him space whatever is appropriate at the time.
