Today's the big day...or not.

So, here I am waking up on the 24th with no Preslie in my arms. The whole thing is rather surreal, but I am really fine with it. This is the kind of peace that only comes from God. Anyone who knows me knows I can't muster up this kind of peace on my own. Patience is not one of my gifts. I am really able to have good perspective this week. Next week might be a different story, but this week, I am good.

I can't believe how much due dates are burned in women's minds and we plan our lives around them when they are really just an estimate. Midwives suggest you think in terms of "birth months" since there can be such variation. My dr. said that studies have shown that women who are given multiple due dates from doctors or ultrasounds almost always hold onto, remember and mark their calendars with the earliest date given. It is true for me as well. My cycle due date was the 27th, but my ultrasounds around 10 and 12 weeks said the 24th, so that is what I went with. I have always heard that ultrasound due dates are more accurate and my babies have always come early, so I figured it was closer. We shall see. We still have roughly 17 1/2 hours left of the 24th.

I plan on relaxing and enjoying the novel my Mom loaned me most of today while the kids play. I welcome calls from friends too. : )

Disturbing dreams...why?

There are two times that I often have disturbing or just plain weird dreams. 1) when I am pregnant & 2) when I finally go back to sleep after waking up early in the morning and being awake for a while. You'd think I'd learn to just get up in order to avoid the 2nd situation. Well, today, since I met both criteria I had a whopper of a disturbing dream. I dreamed that I had Preslie and when they cleaned her off and swaddled her and brought her to me she was a fully grown swaddled woman, sound asleep. I could barely hold her and I was devastated. All I could think about was how in the world was I going to nurse her? Jenn and Allison R were there and they were trying to be encouraging, but I was in shock. So, I tried, unsuccessfully to nurse her and it was just plain weird. I was so upset because she was my last baby and I wouldn't even get to nurse her. I was trying to convince myself that it was okay...just look at it as a disability and I can handle anything. After all, she was still a baby, even if she was very large. I mean surely she wouldn't be able to talk or have teeth or anything. But then, she opened her eyes (still swaddled) and told me that her favorite Christian book store was Haskins and she had lots of good coupons for me if I wanted them.

To top it all off, James came in and told me he had promised the other kids a raise in their allowance to $10 each per week. Now, that was almost as disturbing as the woman baby. What is going on in my mind that I have such strange dreams?

I passed up the opportunity & shocked myself...

A nurse from Arrowhead hospital called me last night and said that if I wanted to come in and get induced at 6am this morning there was an opening. At first I was so excited and anxious to meet Preslie that I was ready to say, "Yes, I will do it!" But, I am really trying to be more sensitive to what I am supposed to do for this pregnancy and not just what I want to do. I couldn't ignore how much better I felt after the Dr. said I couldn't get induced last week. So, I told her I'd call her back and let her know. The more I thought about it, the less peace I had. The idea of potentially being on someone else's clock b/c I chose to be induced is scary. If they broke my water, how long would they give me before they started pushing pitocin? I know that with Shelby my water was broken 10 or 11 hours before they turned on the pitocin, but my water broke on my own. I have a feeling that if you go in for a scheduled induction they would be a lot pushier about getting things moving.

I can already say that if I end up having to have pitocin from an early stage, I will also have them hook me up with an epidural. Pitocin is the roller coaster ride from hell drug. Having labored both with and without it, I can definitively say that the contractions are night and day different from one another. Nurses will try to say that there isn't much difference if they turn it up slowly. I have to disagree. The next time I hear someone say that I am going to ask them if they have experienced both. It is miserable, unnatural and should be avoided if at all possible. In some cases, like the water being broken for close to 12-24 hours, it becomes imperative to get the baby moving, and it can't be avoided. But, in most cases it is used as a convenience for the laboring mom who wants to get it over with or the busy doctor who wants to speed things up and get home. As a doula laboring with other women I can't tell you how many times I have heard nurses and doctors try to entice women into using it..."Don't you want to meet your baby sooner?" "If we gave you just a whiff of pitocin, you'd be able to hold your baby and have dinner before you know it." "Your body is tired and if we give it a little boost the baby will be here before you know it." When a mom is exhausted and in pain, she will likely cave to any of those suggestions. (trust me, I know...with Lucy I was given pitocin the last 20 minutes b/c I was stalled at an 8 or 9 for a few hours & wish I would have just waited it out. That was 20 minutes of no break between body wracking contractions after a relatively easy pain-free labor.) If a mom knows that she is getting herself into, it is one thing. It is her choice and whatever she chooses is fine. If however, she is led to believe that it won't be any different from laboring on her own, that is just plain wrong and deceptive. All this to say, all bets are off if I have to use pitocin from early on. I will get an epidural and I will be disappointed. Yes, Preslie will still arrive and it will still be one of the best days of my life, but if I can avoid that evil drug, I will. That is why I chose not to get induced this morning. Not to say that I won't change my mind if she goes a week over her due date, but at this point there is no reason to rush it.

Friends, can you please take a moment to pray for a safe, happy and timely delivery for me and baby Preslie? Prayers and encouragement from friends and family have been my comfort and given me strength over the past week. Thanks so much!

no news...

I am feeling like I need to post something, but I am uninspired today. Preslie still hasn't made her big arrival which is shocking to us. Shelby was a week early, Jesse was 2 weeks and Lucy was 10 days early. Looks like Miss Preslie will be on time or maybe even past due. I thought I was going to be induced (have the dr. break my water) last Friday, but I found out you have to make an appt. a week in advance for that to happen. I am actually pleased that it wasn't an option, because I wasn't feeling at peace with that decision. Yep, I was going to do it anyway, because I am a headstrong control freak, but God took the decision out of my hands. I am so glad He did. Obviously she needs a little more time. I made a tentative appt. to go in this Weds. if she hasn't arrived, but I may cancel that as well. It feels good to let go.

So today, after an awesome church service, we are enjoying some quiet time to relax and celebrate Father's Day. After naps, we will go over to my parents to swim and have a breakfast dinner...Dad's choice. Yum!

Mom, you embarrassed me...

I am sure this won't be the last time I hear this over the next several years, but it was the first. I have been able to tell that I have unintentionally embarrassed Shelby before, but today is the first time she actually vocalized it. This week the kids are going to another VBS with some new friends. Every night but last my sweet new friend Jesica has taken the kiddos. Last night I drove, and that is when I embarrassed Shelbo. I don't know why, but I kept calling one of their friends "Brandon" instead of his correct name, "Jonathan." The kids thought it was hilarious and kept correcting me. I finally said, "Can I just call you Brandon anyway?" He laughed and said, "No, but you can call me John if you want."
This morning Shelby asked me why I kept calling him the wrong name last night and I didn't have an answer for her. She said that it really embarrassed her, and I apologized. I told her that I'd never intentionally embarrass her and asked that she tell me in the same nice way any time I do it again.
Whoa...Girls, now that I almost have 3 of them I have a lot to learn.

hospital pajamas

As far back as I can remember, my Grandma Shelby always had special silky pajamas that she never wore. I would pull them out of her drawer and ask her to wear them sometimes when I spent the night. She never would. She was always "saving them for when she had to stay in the hospital." I don't remember her ever having to actually stay in the hospital when I was little, but I guess she was always anticipating a hospital stay. It wasn't until I was 20 and she was fighting lung cancer that she actually got to wear her special pajamas. I guess it was kind of like putting plastic on the sofa to protect it or only using dishes on special occasions in her mind. Looking back, I wish she would have enjoyed those pajamas when she was feeling good, and not just saved them for the hospital!

I guess that her "special hospital pajamas" philosophy has rubbed off on me a little, because when I have babies I always want to have at least one nice pair of pjs to wear in the hospital. I want to feel half-way pretty while recovering and having lots of hospital staff and visitors in and out of the room. I was telling my mom how much I wanted pretty pjs for the hospital, and she insisted on taking me shopping for some last night. These are them. They are so soft and silky and I feel really pretty in them. I would model them, but that is weird...I am sure there will be hospital photos with me wearing them anyway. : ) Don't I have the best Mom? She takes such good care of me.

just in time...

Just in time for the baby to arrive, Lucy has come into her terrible twos a little early...at 19 months. She is climbing on EVERYTHING, getting into stuff, driving her siblings crazy, throwing fits, refusing to eat certain things and mastering, "NO!" We moved the TV out of her reach, but here she is trying to stretch her little body to get it anyway. Notice the color on the screen. I dropped the TV trying to move it myself a few weeks ago and it has a nice psychedelic glow down the middle now. We are so used to it that Shelby said there was something wrong with my Mom's TV color since it is normal and the people aren't green.

She is so ornery, but so dang cute!! We can't stay mad for long.

Here she was on a box trying to reach the computer. Her hair cracks me up. It looks like a little old lady's hairstyle when it is fuzzy. We have to wet it and put product in it for it to look cute, and then it looks like Little Orphan Annie. We have also been putting it in pigtails lately which is super cute.

Here we are after church yesterday. The kid were having a dance party to my country mix cd and Shelby took a break to snap a pic with us. She is really clingy lately in anticipation of the upcoming arrival.

refocusing...1 & 2

Deep ramblings (or pregnant & confusing thoughts) by Jeanna Lichtenberger... ; )
Ahh, the hormonal mind.

At the end of my pregnancies and beginning of the newborn stage with each of my babies I go through a hyperfocused, all-consuming period of time where I am thinking so much about my circumstances that I forget what the real focus should be. I am sleep-deprived and anxious and I lose perspective sometimes. Since my on and off week-long labor has begun I have been doing it again. The control freak in me wants to grab the reins and make this baby come on my time table. I feel like I am justified, because I know I could handle labor better and the upcoming sleep deprivation if I just could go into it with a little energy in reserve and since I am not sleeping well it is in everyone's best interest for the baby to come NOW. Why must I become so focused on myself? Haven't I learned that a watched pot never boils? Haven't I also learned that the more inwardly focused I am the less impact I will have on those around me. In the past few days God has redirected my focus and I am much more relaxed.

1)My new friend Jesica prayed with me on Friday. She prayed that most of all God would be glorified through the birth of this precious baby. That one little phrase brought me back down to reality reminding me that God is the author of life...the only One who has our first and last breaths timed and planned according to His greater purposes. This baby is such a miracle, her life so precious, so much more important than my time table, sleep deprivation or impatience in wanting to meet her.

2)In church today the focus was on hell. Nothing like a good message on hell to redirect your focus! (Not enough churches even preach on hell anymore b/c it might offend someone...don't get me started.) Anyway, one of the points he made really stuck with me today. He was telling the story of the rich man and Lazarus from Luke 16 where the rich man goes to hell and Lazarus goes to heaven. Part of the eternal torment the rich man must face is that he can somehow see into heaven and he sees Lazarus there. He asks Father Abraham to send Lazarus to him to ease his suffering, which is impossible because you can't pass from heaven to hell. But he even more emphatically pleads for him to send Lazarus to his 5 brothers to warn them so that when they die they will not have to spend eternity in hell. It is so bad there that he would give anything to be able to prevent his own family from coming there. The rich man has many regrets, but is sounds like the most painful ones are for his own family.

Why did this strike me today? Because really in the grand scheme of things, no matter what is going on in my little life that seems all-consuming, nothing I do matters except for when I point people toward Jesus. My purpose as a mother is to raise children who love the Lord and want nothing more than to glorify and serve Him. My purpose as a wife is encourage, respect and serve my husband in a way that glorifies God. My purpose as a sister and daughter is to serve and love my family, putting their needs first in an attempt to show them Christ living through me. My purpose as a friend is to encourage and exhort them to seek Jesus with all of their hearts and pursue truth. My purpose as a child of God is be sure I make the most of every opportunity to share the love of Christ and the hope of eternal life and maybe even to warn a few people in my life before it is too late.

I spent most of my young life truly believing that all I had to do was to believe in God and I was going to heaven. I know there are a lot of people who still believe that today. But, we are reminded in James 2:19 that "even the demons believe that and shudder." Are they in heaven? When we truly believe in God and his Son Jesus, we want to know them. We are all consumed by wanting to learn everything about them and be a part of God's work here on earth. If there is no life change here on earth, there will be no eternal life. Jesus is very clear in Matthew 7:23 when He says that on that on judgement day he will say to many who call Him Lord and try to enter heaven, "I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws."
I am afraid I know some people who unknowingly fall into that category, and it breaks my heart. If it is God's will that I can do or say anything to lead them to the truth, how can I not try?

And, back to my original point, why am I so worried about the temporal when only the eternal matters? How can I glorify God in these last days of pregnancy & labor and in the first few weeks of life with a newborn that I haven't been able to in the past b/c of my all-consuming inward focus? Aside from salvation, the birth of a child is the greatest miracle and gift there is. All glory be to God! This whole process is in His hands and will unfold in His perfect timing. I guess the main thing I can do is let go and give it all back to Him.

{{Side note: added later today...I am amazed again that my dear friend Jenn and I are once again, as always, on the same wavelength. I just finally got some emails from last week and she sent me this video link about this very topic. Please watch if you have about 10 minutes. click here to watch}}

making the best of it...

Shelby and I spent some girl time together today trying to make the best of the day. We enjoyed the Good and Plentys and hairclips Jenn sent us, ran errands together and had an awesome playdate with our new neighbor who says she "prayed us into the neighborhood." I am feeling much better this evening after an encouraging visit with her. Hopefully we will either sleep or have the baby tonight! Still welcoming prayers!

Deja Vu

No baby yet. The same thing is happening this time, almost exactly that happened with Lucy. Last night we almost went to the hospital. I had regular contractions for several hours, along with other signs that are too gross for print. I was at a 2 1/2 at the dr. at 1:30 and then after I left everything started. Still feeling icky today, lots of cramping and tummy trouble, but not regular contractions yet. I got maybe 3 hours of broken sleep last night. My strategy is to walk a lot today and get things moving by tonight or tomorrow. I am so sad that Jenn isn't here to kick my rear end out of bed and make me walk like she did with Lucy. I am just going to pretend she is on my shoulder b/c I already want to go lay back down. I can't wait to meet the little missy! Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. Call me on my cell if you want to reach me. I won't answer if I am resting, and you can leave me a nasty voice mail about how I need to walk.

In a funky funk...

It's happening again. I am having contractions off and on daily and nightly, just like with Lucy. A few nights ago we almost went to the hospital. I am exhausted, edgy and out of the energy I need for labor. We are also packing and moving some stuff over to the new house. I sure could use some prayers this week. I am so excited to meet the baby, so I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just really need some rest before she comes...

Megan & Grace's visit

It has been a busy week! Megan and Grace flew in from KC on Tuesday and we had some fun, worked a little, had some false labor scares, talked a bunch, and enjoyed the sun. Here are some pics Megan took. Once again, I didn't get any of me and my friend, only the kids.

The kids had fun at the big park, even though the splash pad was closed for repairs.

They went to VBS at a local church every day and had a blast! They had a live band for worship every day and Shelby said that was the best part. The girls had so much fun picking out their crazy outfits for the daily themes.


We saw a Beatles cover band at the concert in the park on Friday night. Megan bought pizza and my mom made salads. The kids had plenty of junkfood and I left early with Lucy b/c I thought I might be in labor. After laying down it finally stopped. Thank Goodness!!


We had a fun and exhausting week. Megan and Grace made it home safe last night. Hopefully they are re-adjusting well to Kansas time and weather!